Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: I can do hard things

December 28, 2024

This is a message I’ve had to remind myself of many, many times, especially  this year.  I can do hard things.  Earlier this year I began a type of therapy called EMDR. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.  It is used to help people heal from a traumatic event in their life…and it’s hard.  Over and over and over again you are asked to think of your traumatic event.  Over and over and over again I’m asked to go to the scene of when I was hit.  It’s up to me which part of the scene I go to but still you revisit it over and over and over again.  For the first few months, I was able to comply.  It was extremely difficult and it came with daily challenges, but I could do it.  I had a drive in me that said “this will work.  It’s hard but it will help.”  However, come the end of August I was struggling to keep my head above water. Come early October, I was drowning.  And the worst part was, the only person that knew I was drowning was my therapist.  Just as I can hide my TBI struggles, I can hide my PTSD struggles as well. In early October I told my therapist I couldn’t do it.  I needed a break from EMDR.  I needed to not go back to the scene over and over and over again.  I needed a break from thinking about being hit.  I needed it to stop.  I continued to meet with her weekly, but EMDR was put on the back burner and we worked on other things.  After a while, we tried EMDR again but I’m still struggling to go back there.  Back to August 19, 2014. 

EMDR has actually given us some insight into areas that have never come up before.  Which is fascinating.  EMDR has also created some challenges.  Part of EMDR is letting your thoughts flow, let come what may and part of my issue is my brain is fighting me.  If my thoughts flow to a place that is not accurate, my brain says “wait a minute!  That never happened!”  There is a lot I do not remember about that day and the days and weeks that followed.  So what I do remember, I hang onto for dear life.  When you have gaps in your memory, the parts you do remember are extra precious to you, regardless of how horrific they are.  However, with EMDR, the idea is to let your thoughts go.  See what comes up.  It’s a way to process things.  Because my brain is not allowing that, I am getting hung up and not letting the process flow.  My therapist, bless her heart, has tried various ways to convince me (and my brain) that it’s okay if what I’m reprocessing isn’t 100% accurate.  But my heart gets very upset with this and my brain fights back with “but what I know to be true, has to stay true”.  So, after a long break this fall, I feel I am no longer drowning in PTSD symptoms and I am ready to continue this hard work, but my brain has found a way to still put the kibosh to it.  

My therapist has asked me if I need to stop seeing her and just take a total break from it all.  That was not something that felt right to me.  I told her if I stopped, if I left, I wouldn’t ever return.  She has asked me why I continue (she said that many people would have walked away at this point). I told her that what brought me back to therapy, after many failed attempts, was a doctor telling me what I was doing to cope with PTSD was not working and I needed to get professional help.  I knew at the time I was failing in my coping mechanisms but I didn’t want to admit it out loud.  So when the doctor said it, that was my push to seek help. I tried for years to cope with my PTSD symptoms on my own and it didn’t work, so I need to try something else.  That’s why I stay.  That’s why I return every week.  And in those moments when I’m struggling to keep my head above water or when I’m drowning, I remind myself “I can do hard things”.  Therapy to address the trauma of getting hit, is just one of the many hard things this new life has thrown at me.