June 19, 2021
I woke up this morning with things I wanted to do but my head was not in the mood to cooperate. I stayed in bed a bit longer hoping that would help…nope. I finally got out of bed and moved around slowly, waiting for my brain to be like “ok…we’re up, we’re moving…let’s go!”…but that never happened. Plans cancelled. Another beautiful, sunny day spent inside because the world is too much to tolerate today. I’ll never get used to missing out on things. I’ll never not become sad when I want to go but my rattled brain says no.
The pressure in my head is bad today. My vision is slightly blurry. Noises are too loud. The outside is too bright. I woke up with my battery empty.
Over the years I’ve tried very hard to listen to my brain and slow down. In the first few years of my TBI I didn’t listen at all. I was hellbent on showing my brain injury who was boss (me!) but I (not so quickly) learned that I was not in charge and I needed to listen to what my rattled brain was telling me because if I didn’t the consequences were a nightmare. So I’ve slowed down over the years, I’ve listened and respected what my injured brain needs. But I still get knocked down. A few days ago I was having a rough day; by 1:00 in the afternoon I could barely stand up so I went back to bed and slept for 2.5 hours. I had a group bike ride I was supposed to host that night and there was no way I could do it without the help of sleep and resting my brain. When I showed up at the ride my friend/boss asked me how I was feeling and I replied with “surviving”. He asked if I was having a rough day and I told him yes, that I’d just woken up from a two and a half hour nap. He said “geez…what did you do today?” (meaning to set off a tough day) and I told him “a load of laundry”. It’s not always a big thing that can make my day hard. Sometimes I feel the bad day coming, other times it sneaks up on me and knocks me down.
There will be no bike ride today or kayaking. There will be no friends. There will be no walk in the sunshine. There will be pajamas, the couch, and re-runs of Ally McBeal.
Make plans and your TBI laughs.
Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: the story of a cyclist living life with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) 
This is me, today. Slept ten hours and after being up for 90 minutes I’m begging for another nap. This sucks. I hope to one day be as brave as you and stop trying to power through it all. You are my inspiration.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It took me a few years to final accept a form of defeat and stop trying to power through it all…you’ll get there too, in time. Hang in there my friend and take that nap! 💚
LikeLike
1.5 years in and I still struggle with honoring my brain’s limits. I’m 28.. I thought my brain would be resilient for many years to come. Would you say you’ve reached acceptance 6 years in?
LikeLike
A small form of acceptance, yes. There are still times of anger, frustration, sadness, but not as often as there was earlier on. I pushed too hard the first two years, then started to realize I had no more energy to fight with. Then around year 5-6 I started to accept my limitations and my “new life” but again, just a small form of acceptance. Everyone handles their TBI differently and everyone’s timetable is different so don’t set a deadline for yourself. It’s slow and gradual and then one day you realize you’re not fighting it as much. Hang in there! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this too!
LikeLike