Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: this or that

January 25, 2021

Early on in my TBI career I took part in many, many hours of cognitive therapy.  The therapist would have me practice skills such as:

• reading a recipe (my TBI made it so hard for me to read a recipe and follow it; I greatly struggled to remember how many cups of flour to use, for longer than one second)
• multi-tasking (I’ve been told quite a few times before that multi-tasking is not a thing; that no one can do two things at once and do them well.  What these people fail to understand is that multi-tasking can be something as simple as stirring your coffee and having a conversation at the same time; something in my early days I could not handle, I either stirred or I had a conversation, never both at the same time) [Confession: depending on the situation and how I’m feeling, this can still be a great challenge for me.  I can be washing my hands and if you start talking to me, I’ll forget that I’m washing my hands and only listen to you]
• following directions (the therapist would send me on scavenger hunts that “required” me to read a map; but the joke was on him, I knew the hospital like the back of my hand and although I couldn’t follow the directions, I still found each hidden item.  After I wowed him with my impeccable ability to find the way, I finally fessed up that I never once followed the directions, I just knew where to go)
• time management (planning how long something would take, planning out a daily schedule, etc.  Try as he might, my therapist never did get me to overcome this particular hurdle, I either arrive twenty minutes early or two hours late because I cannot for the life of me determine how long things will take me now.  This is a huge source of frustration for me and is very taxing on my brain when I need to figure out what time to wake up, to get ready, to drive 90 minutes, to arrive at my neurologists office 20 minutes early *insert brain blowing up emoji*)

Part of the time management drills were working on gaging my energy levels, thinking ahead to my requirements, and judging what I could handle. Over the years I’ve become much better at this skill, but there is a difference between having the ability and actually following through. Pre-TBI I would work 9-10 hour days, come home and exercise, then go out with friends for dinner. I’d get up and do the same thing the next day, without batting an eye. My TBI days now look quite different. I can pick one activity (maybe two on a good day) but I need to pick that activity carefully. Will the activity “send me over the edge” for tomorrow’s activity? On the days I work, that’s all I do, I rarely have the energy to even exercise after. Monday’s are typically laundry day. Tuesday’s are a “free day” with no adult responsibilities yet I need to be careful to not push myself too hard because I have to work on Wednesday (back to that whole “will the activity send me over the edge for tomorrow’s activity?”) Wednesday’s are work days, a whopping 2-3 hours. Thursday’s are my “crap-shoot days” I may find that I just need to rest and do nothing, because my days are catching up to me or I may find I can do something I enjoy (but don’t get too excited, because “will the activity send me over the edge for tomorrow’s activity?”) and Friday’s are another 2-3 hour work day. Saturday and Sunday may be rest days to recoup for the next week, they may be a time I can squeeze in some family or friend time. At some point over the course of the week, I need to get groceries and clean my apartment as well as fit in 4-5 days of exercise. And lets not forget the many neurology appointments I have to fit in as well. To write it out, my days look pathetic but to live it, my days are packed with all my injured brain can handle. I know to find the balance but I don’t always succeed at doing so (and to push myself too much comes at a very hefty price). Today for example, a Monday, I did my laundry and I put dinner in the crockpot. Those two events had my brain struggling. I laid down to rest for a bit, then I did 45 minutes of exercise. I laid down again after that to rest some more. After a few hours of letting my brain settle down, I cleaned my bathroom. My energy was done for. There’s a dozen things I should do, but I know that it’s early in the week and I need to plan ahead.

I miss the days where I didn’t have to choose which one thing I’d do that day…do I do this or do I do that?