Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: I’m stuck

July 8, 2020

I try really hard to not feel sorry for myself, to not host solo pity-parties but truth be told, right now, I’m stuck.  I have been stuck for a few weeks now.  I can’t let it go.  I find myself thinking all the time “why me?”  “what did I do to deserve this?”  “why does this need to be my life?”  “it’s not fair”.  I am sad…so incredibly sad.  I am angry…so unbelievably angry!  I’m supposed to be a wife…I’m supposed to be a mother…I’m supposed to be a special education teacher.  And because of a selfish driver, I am none of those things.  I struggle to be around kids for too long.  I struggle to work even a handful of hours a week.  I struggle to ride by bike as often and as far as I’d like.  I struggle to be in stores and restaurants.  I struggle to be around too many people.  I struggle with noise, pitches, lights, and stimulation. I struggle daily with TBI symptoms and complications.  I struggle.  

This is not the life I had planned.  This isn’t a life I’d wish for anyone.  

I hear other TBI survivors say to embrace the “new you” to “let go of the past” but I am not there yet.  I actually liked the old me.  I liked where my life was, it wasn’t perfect but it was a hell of a lot better than where I am now.  There has not been a day in the past five years eleven months that I have not mourned for my former life.  That I have not regretted going on that bike ride.  That I have not wished things were different.  

DO NOT come at me and say it could be worse.  DO NOT come at me and say to give it time.  DO NOT COME at me with fake platitudes…I’m angry…I don’t want to hear them. Just let me be angry.  Let me be sad.  Although there are a few people that know me well, no one really knows or fully understands what I go through each day.  I’m really good at faking that I feel okay, but I’m not okay.