December 11, 2014
From the time I pedaled my first kilometer, cycling has been my heaven (you don’t need to know me well to know that). It has been my escape, my therapist, my joy. I’ve pushed myself further cycling than I ever thought possible…but then in the blink of an eye it just stopped. My fearlessness on my bicycle turned into trembling fear. My favorite past time turned into a chore. My ability to pedal 200 miles in a day was now gone and replaced by a struggle to pedal 20.
My reality has changed for the time being…I am not the same Jen. I am tired all the time. I get confused easily but try to pretend like I don’t. I don’t remember what it feels like to not have a headache. Anything that is too loud or too stimulating is like a form of torture. I want to sit and have a conversation with you, but if you interrupt me, I will most likely forget what I was talking about (I forget easily). I get frustrated quite quickly. I’d like to share a joke with you, but I will probably miss the punchline because I’m so busy processing the first part of the joke that I miss the ending. I’ve ingested medications that made me sick; every two weeks I have shots in the back of my head; I’ve started acupuncture where no less than twelve little needles are placed in my body like I’m a human pin cushion and they’ve now started “glassing” me (heating up glass jars and putting them on me) so I look like I have small crop-circle-like-hickeys on my body! In the past four months, I’ve been accused of being selfish, being self-involved and being distant, but this is my reality. I listen to everyone who thinks they have the magical “post concussion syndrome cure” (“Why no…I never thought about taking a bath, drinking a glass a wine, and just relaxing! Of course that will cure my rattled brain!”) and I try to remind myself that people cannot possibly understand what it’s like. You can judge me, you can tease me (I’ve heard plenty of comments) but please remember that I’m strictly doing the best I can.
One hundred fourteen days later as the snow falls I wonder what the spring will bring…will I continue to be nervous? Will I ever feel about cycling the way I once did? I will train this winter as though I’m preparing to take on the Tour de France this spring as I am hopeful that just as my head will return to normal, that my love of cycling will return to normal as well!
Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: the story of a cyclist living life with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) 
Jen,
I am reading your series. I am at day 611 since my accident and day 535 since my last brain surgery. Your articles, your comments, your view of the world, it is like I wrote all of these, like you’re inside my head. I too was struck my an SUV, from behind, 42 seconds into a planned 80 miles ride on a Saturday morning. I know who did it, but the police can’t prove it. It was a hit and run and I see the culprit almost daily. I would give anything to have the opportunity to chat with you, to give me hope.
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Rodney~ I’m going to e-mail you at the address associated with your account. If you don’t get it, let me know. My heart is broken that you too were hit. Thank you for reaching out!!
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