Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: conversations

December 7, 2022

I see the looks you make when my words fail me. I see the expression on your face when I talk. I notice the glances you share with others when I open my mouth. I’m not blind to it. I always see it and it just adds one more nail into the “best to keep your mouth shut coffin”. If you don’t talk, your words won’t fail you, you won’t question EVERYTHING you said (did I say it right? Did it make sense?)

Conversations are EXTREMELY hard with my rattled brain. A difficulty I don’t expect many to understand, because it’s automatic for you. During a conversation, I need to listen to your words, retain them, process them, formulate a response, reply (and hope my words/thoughts don’t fail me) all the while trying to focus (which is hard to do when you can no longer block out background noise. EVERYTHING is equally loud to me. The clock ticking, the car driving by, the faucet dripping, is just as loud as the voice of the person standing next to me. Hello overload!) I need to remember the conversation at hand (I can easily forget what we’re discussing, while discussing it). Then, after all that, and I do reply, I see the looks, the glances. It’s enough to make me want to scream.

I rarely say things I regret. I’m unapologetically me. I’ve never had a filter in that sense (pre- or post-TBI, if a thought came into my head, it most likely left my mouth too). It’s part of my charm 😉 But I’m more self-conscious now. Are they exchanging a glance because my words were wrong? Did that not make sense what I just said? Or are they just embarrassed by me?

Another lovely conversation related issue with my TBI is saying things I *know* I shouldn’t. I can swear like a sailor but there are times and places for that (and people). Post-TBI the more I think “don’t swear” the more I do. In the early years of my TBI they did frequent cognitive testing to get a baseline formed. On my way to register for cognitive testing, I was greeted by Franklin. During cognitive testing one question was always “say as many words as you can that start with the letter F, no names”. To quote the late-great Leslie Jordan, “well shit!” I just saw Franklin. That starts with an F. But it’s a name. They said no names. And round and round my thought process went, until my time was up. And the only word on my list was Franklin. I finally explained the problem and ask them “can you give me a different letter?” So yes, I do say inappropriate things, but it’s not for lack of trying not to.

All this to say, instead of assuming I’m dense and that I don’t see the looks, the glances, maybe, just maybe, be unapologetically okay with me too.