Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: you win today PTSD

June 16, 2022

In one breath I say, “I just want to love road riding again.” In the next breath I admit a fear that I’ve shared with no one and that I carry with me each ride: “Is today the day that I’m killed while riding?” 

I’ve been in therapy working weekly for the past six months on my fear of riding and PTSD.  I’ve been given strategies to use when riding.  Some days I feel it’s working, other days I feel it’s hopeless. 

Yesterday was a group ride day for my local bike shop.  A group ride that I host weekly throughout the summer.  I didn’t want to go.  This happens often.  I’m too scared to get on my bike.  A part of me is thankful I have the group ride because without it, I may go weeks without touching my bike.  A part of me begrudges that I signed up for this, because I’m forced to get on my bike when I don’t want to.  Yesterday, I didn’t want to.  Just listening to traffic outside my apartment had my heart racing.  

Today, it was important to me to get out and ride.  I wanted to rid myself of yesterday’s fears.  I started off feeling good physically, my post-concussion migraine was tolerable and I wasn’t afraid to ride.  That lasted about one mile.  Fear didn’t creep in, it came in like a wrecking ball.  The strategies I’ve been given failed.  I pulled over and thought “can I go a bit further?” Just then a car flew by me and I knew “nope!  I can’t!” so I turned around.  I decided to try a different route, just so I could keep riding.  That lasted less than a mile.  I made my way back home.  A whopping 5 miles clocked today.  About 20 miles short of my planned ride.

I feel sick to my stomach.  My post-concussion migraine is ramped up.  Physically, emotionally, mentally, I am drained.  Everything is too loud, too fast.  I’m emotional. This is PTSD.

I’ve spent years fighting this.  Fighting PTSD, trying to show that I’m the boss.  That approach did not work.  I’m now trying to learn how to live with it.  

It’s hard.  I miss carefree bike rides.