Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: Grace

March 1, 2021

Recently I was scrolling through Instagram when I read “I’m struggling…a lot…but I’m giving myself grace.” This line really hit me; I am my own harshest critic. I don’t give myself grace, I only get frustrated with myself.  The irony is, often the things I’m frustrated with myself about, are out of my control.  

I’m frustrated about how tired I am ALL THE TIME.  I’m frustrated about how weak I often feel.  I’m frustrated when I’m overwhelmed and overstimulated with my surroundings.  I’m frustrated that everything takes longer and requires more mental energy and focus than it did before my brain injury. I’m frustrated I can’t sit and talk with friends and family for hours the way I once did.  I’m frustrated that my body is stuck in fight or flight mode so I’ve gained a lot of weight.  I’m frustrated that flashing lights now cause a seizure effect (I never noticed just how many flashing lights there are in this life, until they caused havoc with my rattled brain).  I’m frustrated I can’t exercise the way I used to.  I’m frustrated when people say “you don’t act like you have a migraine” (after six and a half years, it’s part of my everyday.  You adjust.) I’m frustrated that I worked so hard to earn my teaching degree, my teaching certificates, and my masters degree, only to now be on disability.  I’m frustrated that I cannot for the life of me fully explain what I’m going through and how I feel (it’s impossible to put into words).  I’m frustrated that this is now my life.  I’m frustrated that there is no cure for a brain injury.  I’m frustrated that I get confused easily now.  I’m frustrated that my dizziness has increased.  I’m frustrated when my vision goes and I’m left only seeing blobs of colors.  I’m frustrated that I’ve had a migraine for well over two-thousand days!  I’m frustrated that my rattled brain cannot tolerate spending more time with my nieces and nephews. I’m frustrated when someone says “you don’t look like you have a brain injury” (how should I look?).  I’m frustrated that a long conversation most often means I’m down for the count the next day.  I’m frustrated that my schedule now revolves around the rest I require. I’m frustrated when I try to explain how I feel and someone downplays it or completely ignores what I said.  I’m frustrated with PTSD nightmares.  I’m frustrated trying to live in a fast paced world with a slow processing brain. 

I am all those things and thousands more, but the one thing I’m not…I’m not giving myself grace that I survived.  All signs pointed to I should NOT have walked away that day.  Now granted, I did not walk away free of injury, but I did walk away.  

I was recently in the store and I was completely overwhelmed with the noise, the lights, the people and I was dizzy to the point of feeling like I was going to pass out.  In the past I would be mortified thinking someone saw me or that someone would stare wondering what was wrong.  Then suddenly I had this “ah-ha” moment…stop pretending like you are ok all the time.  From day one I have down-played how awful I feel; I have pretended I was okay when I was not; I lie all the time, saying “I’m fine” when I am anything but.  It’s exhausting.  There are a few people in my life I’ll let my guard down with but there is only one person that I am 100% honest with all the time about how I feel (my neurologist). 

I’ve been struggling with my brain injury a lot more the past few months.  I feel as though I have taken multiple steps back in my TBI journey.  An insane amount of blood work has been done to make sure we are not missing something (I was actually hoping that something else was going on, something that could be “fixed” unlike my rattled brain) but alas everything came back normal. There will be no “quick fix” to this latest set-back.  My rattled brain is telling me it needs rest.  It’s time to listen to my TBI telling me to slow down.  It’s time to stop pretending that I’m okay even when I’m not.  And it’s time to give myself a little grace.