Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: Where’s My Silver Lining?

January 3, 2021

For the past six and a half years I’ve heard many TBI survivors say what a blessing their brain injury is to them.  The first few times I read this I thought “Wait!  What?  Did something magical happen to their rattled brains that didn’t happen to mine?  What makes this trauma a blessing?”  Years later, I’m less shocked when I hear this but I’m still just as confused.  Am I missing something?  Where’s my silver lining?  I don’t find my traumatic brain injury to be a blessing.  I don’t feel it has made my life better.  So where is the disconnect between these people and myself?

“My TBI forced me to slow down!” I was never a mover and a shaker.  I worked, I hung out with friends, I dated, and I rode my bike.  My life was quiet and simple and I liked it that way.  

“My TBI improved my relationships!” Huh!  I’ve lost friends with my brain injury.  I’ve stopped dating because it’s just too hard with a rattled brain.  And some people in my life just CANNOT understand what I’m going through.  So, no, I would not say a brain injury improved my relationships.

“My TBI allowed me to better understand disabilities!” I was a special education teacher!  Disabilities were my life! 

“My TBI made me become more patient!” I’ve always tried to be a patient, understanding person.  I’ve tried to do for others, even when I couldn’t provide for myself.  Plus, let’s not forget I was a special education teacher, so patience was part of the gig. 

“My TBI gave me a new outlook on life, so I quit my job and decided to finally try something I’d always wanted to!” I loved my job.  I had wanted to be a special education teacher from the time I was 8 years old and I dare say I was good at my job!  My TBI forced me out of the field of my dreams with no way to know if I can ever return.

So what’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I see the silver lining?  Why can’t I find a list of positives that come with living life with a traumatic brain injury? It has taken me years of wondering but I think I finally have the answer…I don’t think anything is wrong. I used to firmly believe that everything happened for a reason, even though I may not always know, understand, or even like the reason.  Since August 19, 2014 I changed my beliefs.  I now believe that NOT everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes bad things happen.  Sometimes life is just unfair.  

I hate to write this as I know I sound so incredibly negative.  But I think it’s okay to not be okay.  I think we are setting up TBI survivors for failure when all they hear is that traumatic brain injuries are rosy and peachy.  TBI life is hard and scary and confusing and frustrating.  I’m happy that many others found a positive to entering this life but I think it’s just as realistic to say to other survivors that your only silver lining is that you survived. You may lose your job.  You may lose people.  You may hate how hard your new life is on a daily basis.  You may be heartbroken to be living this new life. And that’s okay.  When others list all the amazing things a brain injury brought them, remember your one amazing thing…you survived!