Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: a hard PTSD day

September 3, 2020

I was officially diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) about three years after I was hit.  I don’t talk about it often. It’s so hard to explain what is happening inside your head when you can’t put it into words easily.  But let me give you a glimpse into my day today and I’ll try to explain it the best I can.

Before I begin, I want to share with you a fascinating fact about PTSD…your triggers may have nothing to do with why you have PTSD.  Yes, bike riding and cars are big triggers for me, but so are loud, sudden noises.  

Around 8 am today, as I was getting ready for work, there was a loud BANG outside.  I don’t know what it was, but it sent me into a downward spiral. I hit the deck thinking a gun had gone off.  I quickly entered fight-or-flight.  I continued getting ready for work but I was shaking and having trouble concentrating.  

At 10 am I went into work and made mistake after mistake.  My brain was still in survival mode, not work mode.  I tried to calm myself down and plug through the chaos inside my head.

By noon I was home sitting in my living room when a car back-fired, TWICE!  My already frazzled nerves were now over the edge.  I was supposed to meet a friend to go kayaking with but I knew this event would be tough on me.  Against my better judgement I went anyways (I was really looking forward to our “Girls Only Kayak”).  

We had to go to my parents house to get my kayak that they store for me.  There were lots of noises (wind chimes, a high pitched squeal, conversation, etc.) and I continued to spiral out of control.

After retrieving my boat, we went to a new body of water, again, against my better judgement (I knew better; I knew I should have gone where I was most comfortable).  We got in our boats and struck off.  But, there were lily pads…tons of them!  There were fish jumping…lots of them! Now enter my PTSD brain and let me tell you why these were problems for me.  I know it’s irrational, but please understand that I don’t have control over these thoughts.  I know in my heart that lily pads and fish are no threat to me, but when you’re in survival mode, they are dangerous.  The lily pads scare me because in my irrational way of thinking, I could get tangled up in them and drown.  The fish were a threat because they were jumping and could land in my boat and scare me even more, possibly even tip my boat over and then I’d land in the lily pads…which I would get tangled up in and drown.  See…I told you it was irrational.  But that’s the way my brain works now.  

I’m scared to pull hoodies over my head, so only zip-up hoodies for me.  I’m petrified of getting stuck in my sports bra, so I buy a size or two too large.  I had a panic attack putting on my bathing suit last summer.  My brain now turns slightly uncomfortable, awkward moments, into death threats.  I’ll get stuck in the hoodie and suffocate.  I’ll be tangled in my bathing suit and not able to defend myself against harm.  This thought process is exhausting mentally and emotionally.  It’s not always like today was, but I never know when days like today will happen. 

Needless to say, we got off the water after only two hours.  I was shaking too much and was panicking non-stop.  Even now, writing this in the comfort of my safe home, I’m still scared. I’m still on edge.  So I’m going to go take a nice long shower, shed a few tears, climb into bed, cover up with a quilt my sister made for me (that I referred to today as my adult baby blanket) and hope I can get some sleep tonight.