Confession of a Concussed Cyclist: Communication

March 1, 2019

March is Brain Injury Awareness Month, so I thought I’d take the time to go into more detail about certain parts of living life with a traumatic brain injury, that I have only briefly touched upon in the past.

When I first sat down to write this I thought “what is the hardest part of living with a TBI?” The cognitive setbacks…no wait, the post concussion migraines…no, the neuro fatigue!  It was impossible to pick what was the hardest as it’s ALL HARD! So, in no particular order, I will be addressing what makes this life so tough.

Prior to August 19, 2014 I could share a good joke, take part in a friendly debate, and chat with you about random things until the sun came up.  But then I was struck by a SUV while riding my bike and my carefree communication skills went out the window. I have struggled since.

What makes communicating with a brain injury so difficult?  For starters I cannot filter out useless noise anymore. That part of my brain is broken.  What does this mean? It means I hear it all and it is all equally loud. A clock ticking in the next room is just as loud as the fridge running which is just as loud as the cars driving by which is just as loud as you talking to me.  What does this mean for communication? It means, as much as I want to listen to what you’re saying, my brain focuses on what it wants to. The ticking clock in the other room may have my attention over your story. It is not because I don’t care or because your story is boring, I have no control over this.  It means that in the moment I may talk back and forth with you, but within minutes (even seconds) I’ve forgotten what was said because truth be told my brain was too busy listening to the cars driving by. It’s frustrating for me and it’s frustrating for the person I’m talking to.

I also struggle with my attention span now.  Part of that is brain damage and part of that is what I mentioned above (all those extra sounds I cannot block out).  So the longer you talk, the more I struggle to focus on what you are saying. This is harder for me if there are lots of details in the conversation or if you are talking about something completely new to me.  If we are talking about random, useless things (the weather, what should we have for dinner, etc.) I can pay better attention, but if you start quizzing me about a doctors appointment I just had or an article I just read, I will struggle because my brain now needs to deal with all those noises (I mentioned above), process what you’re asking, recall what happened, and form a response.  

I do better when I can look at you when you’re talking.  This is where my lack of attention span is also an issue.  I get distracted if I’m on the phone and truth be told I can forget to listen to you.  I struggle with all those background noises and because we are on the phone, I cannot look at you while we talk, so I start looking elsewhere.  I begin watching the traffic drive by and I focus on that instead of what you are saying. A couple weeks ago I had to call someone regarding something to do with my disability.  I asked the person to repeat themselves and they snapped at me saying “can’t you hear me?” I got teary and I responded with “you are talking too fast and I couldn’t process what you said.”  The woman then changed her tone with me.

I often struggle to process all that is being said.  People talk fast! I especially see it when I answer the phone at the bike shop, they spell their names too fast, they recite their phone numbers too fast and I cannot possibly keep up with them.  If I ask them to repeat it they tend to get grumpy with me so I’ve started saying that the phone connection is bad and they cut out. People are more understanding of an issue with technology then they are of me simply asking them to repeat themselves.  

I’ve never been one to use big words and sound like a great intellect when I spoke, but I did speak clearly and articulate myself well.  After I was hit I began to stutter and it was so completely humiliating for me. I also began to use wrong words without even realizing it.  In my head I knew what I wanted to say but that was not always what came out of my mouth. Sometimes I had no idea I had misspoken whereas other times, I knew I had made a mistake because others laughed at me.  I was most apt to stutter and/or misspeak when I was overwhelmed and/or overtired. I was mocked for this often, by family, friends, and strangers. Over the years my stuttering has become less and less but it is still there.  I will avoid you on a day I am stuttering or if I’m with you and it begins I will simply say to you “I’m done” and leave. It still emarasses me and I’m quite sensitive about it. I did see a speech therapist for this for a short time but she interrupted me often when I was speaking and I did not find it beneficial.  

Because I struggle to stay focused during a conversation, it is incredibly hard for me when I get interrupted.  And I can honestly say that at one point or another (some people more often than others) EVERY SINGLE PERSON I have had conversations with has interrupted me. There is one person in my life that is quite vocal about how rude it is to interrupt, yet they do it to me ALL THE TIME and they find it quite humorous.  For me, when I am interrupted I will often forget what we were talking about. Now, by all means if you need to interrupt me to tell me my kitchen is on fire, go right ahead, but no, I do not need to be interrupted for you to tell me a squirrel is sitting outside.

I now tend to repeat myself.  I do it because I’m not sure if I actually said what I was thinking or not (again the attention span and the concentration) even though I literally said it one second before I repeated myself.  

I now tend to repeat myself…just kidding!

Although I know I have not included all my struggles with communication, I hope you now have a better understanding of what it is like for me.  Brain injuries are invisible so people do not understand why I struggle. Perhaps now that you’ve read this, you will be a little more patient, a little more understanding when someone asks you to repeat yourself or when someone struggles to hold a conversation with you.