Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: Fear Factor

November 26, 2018

FEAR: a distressed emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc. whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

AFRAID: feeling fear; filled with apprehension

FRIGHTENED: thrown into a fright; afraid; scared

SCARED: to fill suddenly, with fear or terror; frighten; alarm

This confession will deal with something I have not written about before and something that I’ve only talked to a few people about.   Based on the looks I have received when talking about this, hopefully I do a better job trying to explain it in writing!

I have been afraid for four years and three months and honestly it’s getting worse.  When I say I have been afraid, this is not a Confession about my fear of getting hit again, while out riding my bike.  I have talked about that before and I think it’s a very real fear that is to be expected. This is a different type of fear…

When I was hit different parts of my brain were damaged (just a few examples are my Frontal Lobe: trouble with concentration, irritability.  Parietal Lobe: spatial misperception. Temporal Lobe: issues with memory. Plus a twisting of my brain stem.) Part of my damaged brain now results in my vision playing tricks on me.  At times my vision lags behind (i.e. if I’m out for a walk and there is a dog in front of me, if I quickly turn my head in any direction, the image of the dog goes with my vision and I think the dog has moved).  This has resulted in a lot of “gasps” from me and a racing heart. Thanks to social media altered pictures have become a trend (one I’d be happy to see go). Sometimes the alterations are weird or silly (i.e. puppy dog ears and a slobbery tongue added to a girls face) other times they are more elaborate.  These elaborate alterations greatly scare me, to the point that they have given me many nightmares. To the average person, they would not be scared by these images and some may even really appreciate the work put into the “art” (I am not one of those people). My broken brain can no longer say to me “you do not need to be afraid”.  Shadows, noises, even movies that are meant to be comedies have me scared out of my mind. Along with a rattled brain creating these “new” fears is P.T.S.D. right beside it. A symptom of P.T.S.D. is an increase in fear. My mind plays into this fear just as much as my vision does. I imagine worse case scenarios often. I can be driving my car to the store, see a runner out enjoying some exercise and I immediately visualize them getting hit.  A car can pass me on the interstate and I immediately visualize the car wrecking right in front of me. I am not morbid nor do I wish these people any harm. These “visualizations” literally last a second or two, but it is enough to scare me and to put me into a panic.

I’ve said it before regarding other symptoms of a traumatic brain injury and I’m sure I’ll say it again, but I never used to be like this.  I was never really nervous or scared prior to getting hit (I will confess that years ago, after a boyfriend showed me “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” I slept with the light on for a month but I think that was a fair thing to be afraid of).