Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: This Life is Hard!

June 23, 2018

This life…this life with an injured brain…this life that I didn’t ask for…this life is hard.  I don’t say that looking for sympathy, I say it because sometimes, this world that I’ve been thrown into, this world is too much to carry on my shoulders and I need to vent about it all.

Prior to August 19, 2014 I had times in my life that I thought were “tough”; working a full time job, plus a part time job while going to college for my Bachelors Degree.  Leaving my fiance when I realized we were not meant for each other. Working a full time job plus going to school for my Masters Degree (both with awful commutes). I even used to think that “end-of-school-year-teacher-tired” was tough. In the moment these seemed hard, some even seemed impossible at times, but in the grand scheme of things, they were nothing compared to living life with a brain injury.  This is tough.

If you injure any other part of your body, you can rest it.  Broken leg? Use crutches or a wheelchair. Injured shoulder?  Put it in a sling. But you can’t rest your brain. You can’t ever not use it…it’s on all the time.  In my case my noise-filter is broken, I hear your voice just as loudly as I hear a clock ticking in the next room, just as loudly as I hear a car driving down the street, just as loudly as the dog barking at my neighbors house…ALL THE TIME. I can’t block out noise, it is always there and it is always loud.  That alone puts my brain into overload. Then add to the mix that I have dealt with a post-traumatic migraine EVERY DAY since the day I got hit. The pain from that alone could bring you to your knees. Next put in the fact that my brain works slower than it used to. I cannot always keep up with what you’re saying, even though you’re probably speaking at a normal rate, to me, it feels like you’re speaking at 2,000 words per minute.  And of course sprinkle in some other cognitive issues that have not improved and it’s exhausting day after day. Functioning like this zaps your energy every single day.

Over the past three years and ten months there has rarely been a day when I did not think “this is too hard!”  It’s hard just trying to get by in the day, forget trying to work, trying to maintain relationships, trying to exercise, trying to live a life.

You look fine on the outside so strangers don’t know what you’re dealing with and those close to you often forget.  Your friends and family don’t understand why you were “okay” yesterday but not today. They want to know if you’ll feel better tomorrow (if I could look into the future, I would in a heartbeat).  People say to you “ I get it…I get migraines too” or “I’ve got brain fog today” but you know they don’t really understand, because if they did, they would never compare their occasional brain fog or migraine to a brain injury.

This life is hard.  

One of the brain injury support groups I am a part of says “If You’ve Got It, You Get It!”  If you’ve got a brain injury, you get it, but even with that, no two injuries are the same so no one truly understands exactly all you’re going through.  It’s a lonely battle to fight. I seek silence but there is always noise. I seek relief from a constant post-traumatic migraine, but as of yet, there is no such thing.  I want my old life back. I seek patience and understanding from those around me. I’m tired from pretending I’m okay. It’s exhausting smiling when I really just want to scream.  I try to hide but there is nowhere to run. I need more energy to keep up this battle. I often feel like I am missing out on so much because my heart says “lets go” but my brain says “I’m not up for it”.  

This life…this life with a brain injury is just plain hard.