Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: Reliving a Nightmare!

April 27, 2018

Yesterday I was working on a new Confession off and on throughout the evening.  After writing, deleting, and writing some more, I was unhappy with how it was going and I finally decided to just call it quits and head to bed.  I went to sleep with thoughts of August 19, 2014 running through my brain and for that I paid a price. All night long I dreamt of getting hit. I relived the actual nightmare of August 19, 2014 down to every last detail.  If that wasn’t bad enough, I continued to have similar dreams. I dreamt of my recent White Mt Velo ride with Travis. The route was the same that we rode on Saturday, our bikes were the same, but this time, I got hit. I screamed for the driver to stop, just like I did in real life, but it did no good.  SLAM! I also dreamt I was out for a solo ride, a route I took just a few days ago, on my lovely Black Knight (Specialized Roubaix). During this beautiful, sunny ride, I was struck down once again by an impatient, inattentive driver. SLAM! Just as in real life, in my dreams I did not die from the crashes, but everything I dreamt felt so real. I woke up today feeling groggy and with a very fuzzy, foggy brain.  I went onto Facebook at some point late morning only to have an article catch my eye: another cyclist has been hit by a car! Seeing that headline brought my dreams of last night and my real-life nightmare rushing back. A short time later, I went out to get a few groceries and on my way home I saw a father (figure) with a little girl riding bikes together. At first I got a big smile on my face seeing this sight.  But then I had a flash in my head of them getting hit too and I suddenly became very worried for them and their safety. My smile quickly faded as my breathing sped up. I had to remind myself that they were okay and they would continue their ride happily.
This is what can happen when something traumatic happens to you.  It doesn’t always affect me as it did last night and today, but when it does, it knocks me down.  Today I will take it easy to let my brain-fog settle. Today I will process the emotions that last night’s nightmares and today’s images have brought.  Today I will be extra gentle with myself and hope for a dreamless sleep tonight.