Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: March is Brain Injury Awareness Month Part 2-the face of brain injury

March 31, 2018

I am the face of Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI).  To simply look at me you’d never know that my brain is damaged.  You’d never know the form of hell that I live in every day. Only those that know me well can see the “fog rolling in” on a bad day.  Only those close to me can recognize the “glazed eyes” when I’m barely hanging on. Very few have been around me when my words fail me because I avoid people on those days.  Almost everyone knows that I now deal with post-concussion migraine on a daily basis, but truth be told, I think the majority of people forget the fact. I think many people forget the cognitive struggles I deal with as well.  It’s easy to forget something you cannot see.

I am the girl with an injured brain that lives in a fast paced world with a slow processing brain.  Daily I feel like I live in slow motion compared to all those around me. I feel like I am on a delay.

I am the girl with an injured brain that has to work extra hard to have a conversation because talking can be very taxing for me.  I can no longer tune out all the background noises of my environment, so those noises compete for my attention when you are talking.  I need to try and process what you are saying, retain it, and formulate a response while dealing with those background noises. I need to answer you and hope that my words do not fail me as well as hoping that my reply matches what you were talking about.  Often I second guess whether what I said made sense or not. I don’t always realize when my words come out wrong; my first clue to my mistake is the weird look on someone’s face after I speak. As I’m talking I’m also thinking in my head “am I making sense?  Did I answer their question? Did I just say the wrong word again? Did what I say have ANYTHING to do with what we were just talking about?”

I am the girl with an injured brain that cannot process all that you say because of background noise, because my brain is shutting down, or because you speak too quickly, so I simply nod and smile or I try to change the subject.

I am the girl with an injured brain that can hold a conversation with you and seem like I’m a part of it, but within hours or even minutes, I’ve forgotten what we talked about.

I am the girl with an injured brain that gets overwhelmed very easily by visual and auditory stimulation.  I become overwhelmed and frustrated when there is a lot going on around me because it is hard for me to process everything.

I am the girl with an injured brain that now has trouble with depth-perception and visual-spatial reasoning so I struggle when maneuvering around.  I look at a two foot opening and see it as four feet. I think I have plenty of room between two trees when mountain biking, but I end up clipping a trunk because it’s too narrow to pass through.

I am the girl with an injured brain that has been the butt of many jokes when my words fail me, when I “bounce off things”, or when I make a “silly” mistake.  Usually I can laugh with you but sometimes the jokes hurt too much, especially when I am teased because I stuttered or what I said made no sense.

I am the girl with an injured brain that has learned to hide how I’m feeling each day, very well.  

I am the girl with an injured brain that now lies on a daily basis.  “How are you doing?” “Me? Oh, I’m fine.”

I am the girl with an injured brain that has to ration her energy.  Whereas before the collision I had endless energy to work, exercise and be social, I now need to be careful with how I spend my energy as it is so precious.  

I am the girl with an injured brain that can take days even weeks to recovery from a night out with friends, from spending the day with my nieces and nephews, from a family dinner.  

I am the girl with an injured brain.  I may look like I used to, but my brain no longer works like it once did.  

I am the face of Traumatic Brain Injury.