Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: What’s Next?

January 26, 2018

Recently I’ve been really struggling with the question “what’s next?”  Unfortunately, there is no one size fits all answer to this question and that scares me.

Since the ripe old age of eight, I knew I wanted to be a special education teacher.  When I went to school there were still “resource rooms” where all students with special needs spent their day.  Our school allowed general education students to spend their recess indoors in the resource room instead of playing outside and often I chose to be with the special education students.  I was fascinated with the wheelchairs, with the early stages of a PEC (Picture Exchange Communication) system, and with the few basic sign language signs the teachers taught me. I loved every second that I spent in that resource room with those kids and I remember each child so clearly!

I dedicated my college career to child development, teaching strategies, and everything in between.  I went to Keene State College to earn my Masters Degree in Special Education. There was nothing else I wanted to do; in my mind there was no other career path for me.

Did I get tired of the public school politics?  Of course! Who doesn’t? Did I day dream about being the first independently wealthy special education teacher and retiring early?  Absolutely! But I never stopped loving my job! I adored my kids; I loved the special education process, I loved the challenges that kids and teaching can bring!

But then I lost it all.

When I lost my job at the beginning of the 2016-2017 school year, I was devastated.  I didn’t know what to do. Shortly after, I had some cognitive testing done with some unfavorable results: working full time is out of the picture.  Working just a couple of hours a day may be pushing it. There had been very little improvement in my test results from one year to the next.

When I no longer had to go to work on a daily basis, a part of me was thankful…afterall for the past two years I’d been giving everything I had to that job just trying to get by and it cost me.  I was beyond exhausted. For two years after the crash I pushed everyday. I thought I could beat my brain injury into submission. But two years later when I finally stopped, my rattled brain showed me it was still the boss.

It has been 17 months since I’ve worked full time.  I keep myself busy with exercise, lovingly looking at my bikes, reading, catching up on never-seen episodes of The Gilmore Girls and helping out at the bike shop in the store or with functions.  Even with this reduced load my brain still struggles. I still require a crazy amount of sleep just to function. My speech still fails me when I’m tired or on overload. I still get overwhelmed easily visually and auditorily.  I continue to see my neurologist on a regular basis. I guess what I’m trying to say is that time away from work hasn’t magically made my head better, which I was secretly hoping for. So now I sit here and I wonder…I worry…what’s next?

It’s expensive to not work!  It’s ironic that I lost my great health insurance plan because of a head injury, but because of a head injury I need my health insurance now more than ever.

I dream about going back to teaching but then I think of the noise and the demands and I wonder “would I fail again?”  Would I be let go a second time due to an injured brain?

I’ve always enjoyed photography but there are plenty of people in this area to take pictures.

I’ve been encouraged to write and although I enjoy the idea of it (and I play around with it often enough) one book won’t financially secure me for life.

There is not an endless supply of money coming my direction and bills must be paid.  Life goes on regardless of how your damaged brain feels. I’m not in a position where “going back to work” is so cut and dry.  There are a lot of factors that I need to consider about a new place of employment:

• Cognitive testing shows that I am not currently in the position to completely learn a new skill set.  So there goes becoming an investment banker!
• Noise is a huge factor for me in any workplace.  When it’s loud my migraine spikes and I get overwhelmed quickly.  I guess I can cross rock band singer off my list!
• I don’t always process things quickly, so if I need to constantly be thinking on my toes (about something that doesn’t come naturally to me) my brain will shut down quickly. So there goes working on the stock market!
• I need to sleep a lot! So being up at 5 am to deliver newspapers is not going to work.
• I still need to visit my neurologist often and she’s so popular her schedule fills up quickly, therefore I’m not in the position to negotiate my appointment times.  A new employer needs to be understanding of that.
• There are some days when I wake up and I. JUST. CAN’T.  My brain says “yeah…hang the out of order sign because it’s not happening today”.  This also means last minute calling out of work.
• I now do best with a routine of sorts.  I’m better when I can expect some twists and turns.  So being a temp or subbing at a school would be hard.

The list is endless but let’s face it, most people probably stopped reading this Confession long ago so why continue to list every little thing?

It’s scary not knowing the next step. There is a fine line between knowing if I should give my brain more time to settle down or if I should try my best to function the way it is and go back to work. I always thought I’d be a teacher forever, case closed.  I was supposed to be. But now I’m a 35 year old, living with a head injury and I’m considered “disabled”. It’s a long road to retirement with that looming over your head.