Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: Forgiveness

December 18, 2017

It is no secret that I hold a great amount of anger in me towards the driver that hit me.  Since the accident, I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I needed to “forgive her”.  I’ve heard these words when they are spoken, yet I’ve never felt compelled to move towards forgiveness.  Telling a person to forgive someone else is easy…but being able to actually forgive someone, is not.

Recently, my friend Amy asked how I was doing regarding the accident.  Much like everyone else, it was no secret to her, the amount of anger I held on to.  And just like many before her Amy said the same words I’ve heard time and time again: “you need to forgive her…”.  But Amy didn’t stop after those five words, she said something that has stuck with me non-stop since we spoke two weeks ago.  Amy also said “…but forgiving her doesn’t mean that what she did was right.”

WOW!

Those words really hit me (no pun intended).  You see, to me, forgiving someone also meant it was okay.  Think about it, when someone says to you “I’m sorry” your first response is typically “it’s okay” or “I forgive you”.  And to me, it wasn’t okay! I didn’t forgive her! All those people telling me to forgive her, in my mind, were also dismissing what happened.  To me, they were saying “it’s no big deal”. Amy was the first person to say to me that yes I needed to forgive the driver, but that didn’t make her actions right. What a difference hearing those few extra words made, over just hearing “forgive her”.

I’ve forgiven lots of people over my 35 years, that were never sorry.  But it usually revolved around a lost friendship or a broken heart. I would have anger in me towards the wrong they did, but over time, they escaped my memory.  They faded away. Over time I forgot about them and why I was upset with them. This situation is different. It haunts me. I don’t think about the driver every day, but everyday I think about living with a head injury that the driver caused.  

Back when we settled with the driver, I asked to have a sit-down conversation with her.  I didn’t want to yell at her (although I very well may have, given the chance) but I did want to show her what she’d done.  I wanted her to see what my life was now like. I was denied this request. No contact allowed! Perhaps if I’d been able to sit and talk with her, my anger would not be as strong as it is today.  To me, she got to walk away from the accident without a scratch. Her life went merrily on. No repercussions. However, my life changed drastically. Whereas I can’t escape the reality of that day, I doubt she’s given it a second thought.  

While talking with Amy she also made the point that my anger no longer serves a purpose.  It’s not affecting the driver at all and it’s only doing harm to me.

I’m not saying I’ve suddenly forgiven the driver.  I’m not sure when that will happen. But Amy’s words have run through my head non-stop since she spoke them.  “…forgiving her doesn’t mean that what she did was right.”

Those words have helped me over the past two weeks to just take a step back and make sure I don’t go down the rabbit hole.  To not give the anger any fuel. I take that step back, not because I’ve forgiven the driver, but because I agree with Amy, my anger is only harming me and I’ve got enough on my plate to deal with.

It’s amazing how a few extra words can make all the difference.