Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: Dear Driver

November 26, 2017

Dear Driver,

I hate you!  I have hated you for three years, three months, and seven days.  Some days I hate you more than others. Right now, today, I hate you with all of my being.

I hate you because you forced me into a life I don’t want.

I hate you because every morning I wake up and I think “here we go again.” There is no break from this life.  There is no way to turn off the cognitive symptoms that plague me 24/7. There is no magic cure. There is no end in sight to the debilitating post-concussion migraines.

I hate you because I now lie on a daily basis.  “How are you doing Jen?” “Oh…I’m fine!” LIE!

I hate you because my nieces and nephews should know the “pre-accident T” but all they know/remember is needing to be quiet around me; to ask “does your head still hurt?”; to wonder where I am when I stay home because my head is not up for noise/stimulation; or to see me sitting alone with a glazed look in my eyes.

I hate you because instead of enjoying family time, I find it overwhelming and count down the minutes until it is over.  I find myself wanting to leave to give my head a break, but my heart wants to stay and soak up every minute I can with my young, little tribe.

I hate you because everyday I take medications, just so I can function, that are  wreaking havoc on my liver and kidneys.

I hate you because you took so much from me.

I hate you because I worked so hard to put myself through college and fulfill my dream of being a special education teacher, yet one careless act on your part took that all away.

I hate you because on warm sunny days, when I should be out riding my bike, I am on the couch unable to function.

I hate you because when I don’t get enough sleep at night, it’s not just a “lack-of-sleep-tired” that I feel, it is a deep exhaustion that affects me physically, mentally, cognitively, and emotionally.

I hate you because you only apologized to me AFTER the first responders arrived.  Up until that point you’d only said six words to me “could.you.watch.your.language.please” (as I was crawling out from under your SUV, swearing up a storm) then you went off to talk to the spectators, trying to tell them your side of the story.

I hate you because living in a fast paced world, with a slow processing brain, is a form of hell.

I hate you because when I screamed for you to stop, you just kept driving.

I hate you because anything out of my norm, anything out of my routine, causes me to have a set back.  My brain shuts down for days or even weeks at a time, while it tries to recover.

I hate you because I now have to spend SO much money on traveling to my neurologist; doctors appointments; prescription medications; and therapies that insurance won’t cover.

I hate you because you pushed me into a world, that no one understands.  You forced me into a place no one should ever have to live in.

I hate you because you cost me my dreams.

I hate you because I am now the butt of many jokes when my words fail me, when I misunderstand, when I “bounce” off things, when I stutter.

I hate you because you’ve now put a fear in me that I can’t let go of.  A fear that adds a complication to being a road cyclist.

I hate you because I often fake a smile and nod when I can’t keep up with a conversation.  Another lie!

I hate you because you made my life harder than it needed to be.

I hate you because while I’m permanently stuck in this hell, I doubt you’ve given that day a second thought.

I hate you for so many more reasons than you’ll ever know.

I hate you because I now live with a constant worry that I’ll hit my head again and the odds of me surviving another hit are not good.

I hate you because you were selfish and instead of waiting ten seconds for me to get through the intersection, you felt your time was more valuable than my life.