Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: Where’s Auntie?

October 1, 2017

My “post-concussion migraine” began within hours of me being hit.  As I reflect back on the first hours, days, and weeks after the accident, I laugh to myself  because within a week, I was already waving my white-flag in surrender. “I’m done! I quit!” Little did I know that these migraines would continue to haunt me day after day, year after year.

I’ve had so many people say to me “how do you function day in and day out with a migraine?” My answer is simple “what other choice is there?” I find myself getting annoyed at the people that complain: “Ugh!  I’ve had a migraine the past two hours…I want to die!” I can only think to myself “Ummm…I’ll switch places with you! Two hours is nothing compared to three YEARS!”

So what is a daily migraine like?  It’s sensitivity to light and noise.  It’s nausea. It gets worse with stress, lack of sleep, and over-stimulation.  It’s never leaving home without ear-plugs and four different pain medications. It’s walking on eggshells all the time, waiting for a trigger to set you off, that makes the pain worse than it was a minute before. But the world goes on and so must I.  You adjust. Over time I’ve forgotten how it feels to NOT suffer from a daily migraine. I fantasize about living a migraine-free life but I also fantasize about visiting Australia one day…I think the odds of either of those things happening are slim to none.

Three years ago, Neuro #2 (AKA my migraine doctor) asked me to start filling out a daily migraine calendar to track the pain.  It is on a 0-3 scale: 0 being no pain; 1 being mild pain; 2 being moderate pain; and 3 being severe pain. I don’t know why 0 is an actual option as those days never come, but I guess it makes a good goal.  I have learned over the past three years to function with a 1, 2, or 3. However, there is a number that I added myself, it’s a 3+. On a 3+ day my migraines rockets out of control. It does not respond to any pain medication that I throw at it.  To even move I want to throw up and I always find myself thinking “I now understand why people suffering from constant pain commit suicide!” You seek silence, but there is no such thing. The fridge is running, crickets are chirping, or your upstairs neighbor is watching t.v. On a 3+ day even the sound of your own breathing is too loud!  There is no escape and you must finally give in, lie there, pray to the pharmaceutical gods that your pain pills kick in soon, and just ride it out. But as you’re laying there and your anger towards the driver that hit you grows every minute (“I shouldn’t be going through this! This never should have happened!”); and you take long-deep breaths trying to breath through the excruciating pain; you hear softly outside the bedroom door “where’s Auntie?” and your heart breaks!  You went down to visit your sister and her family and your two year old niece would like to play with you. Little does she know you are on the other side of the door, wishing that you could escape this life, only for a little bit, in hopes that the pain would stay behind. She doesn’t know that you hear her and you’re lying in bed with tears streaming down your face because the pain is too much to bear, wanting nothing more than the pain to go back down to a 3 (who wishes for “severe migraine pain”?  I’ll tell you who…the people that have experienced 3+ migraine-pain) so you can go play with her. As your niece wanders off to continue to look for you, you continue your breathing, you keep your eyes closed, you day-dream of a life that is migraine free, and the second you can tolerate the pain again, you leave the bedroom so you can go play with a two year old, that plays hard to get, yet gives you loving eyes across the room when she thinks you’re not looking.That’s what life is like dealing with post-concussive migraine pain, day after day. So forgive me if you’re someone that has complained after two hours about a migraine and I had zero patience for you…come back and talk to me after it has lasted three years.