Confessions of a Concussed Cyclist: blow out your candles and make a wish

July 3, 2017

When I was little, my Dad used to tell me that the fireworks for Independence Day were actually for my birthday (in the town of Littleton, they were set off on July 3rd).  I always thought it was so amazing that *I* got fireworks on my birthday…not everyone could say such a thing. As I got older, I realized the true reason behind the colorful display, but I never forgot that when I was a little girl, my Dad had be convinced they were just for me.

Fast forward *blank*  years (suffice to say it has been a bit since I was a little kid) and I no longer sit and watch the sky light up on my birthday.  I would like to, but concussed brains do not like loud noises and bright, flashing lights. I’ve “watched” one firework display since my accident and by watched I mean that I had earplugs in and my eyes closed.  So this year, just like the last three years, from a distance, I will merely hear the loud bangs as the fireworks explode and imagine how beautiful they are. It of course is added to the list of things that I’m missing out on since sustaining a head injury.

Another birthday tradition, that started much more recently, than “my birthday fireworks”, is my birthday bike ride.  Most years the bike ride was spent with family and friends doing a great distance, other years the ride was spent alone, pedaling wherever my legs and my heart took me.  Since getting into cycling, it has been my favorite way to spend my birthday. A little over a month ago, I did my first century ride of the season. Immediately after I was already planning out my route for my June century ride and my birthday century ride.  I couldn’t wait for either. My rattled brain had other plans though. In early June I entered a “setback”. It has happened before (more times than I’ll admit to) and I know it will happen again. This recent setback however has lasted three weeks (and is still on-going)!  Longer than most of the other setbacks that I’ve had. It has knocked me down hard. My brain is done. It has nothing more to give. My energy level is depleted. I can get overwhelmed/overstimulated very easily since the accident but it’s even worse with the setbacks. You don’t know tired until you have to rest just to get up and take a shower, then rest again after the shower.  I’ve tried to sneak in a few bike rides over the past three weeks, but within a few miles, my brain is done. The shadows on the road are wreaking havoc, the cars whizzing by are too much to bear. When just four weeks ago I was able to pedal 100 miles, today my brain can maybe handle 12 miles. So…instead of pedaling a birthday century today, I’ll be happy if I pedal at all. Just one more thing my head injury has stolen from me.

Someone asked me recently if my rattled brain was getting worse.  That to them, it seemed I was getting knocked down quicker and more often.  It was a fair question. The answer however is that no, my head injury is not getting worse, but my energy to fight the good fight is very low.  It’s hard to fake a smile (and fake feeling well day after day). It’s hard to live in a fast-paced world with a slow processing brain. It’s lonely to navigate the roads of a head injury.  It’s hard to lose so many parts of yourself. It’s depressing to be on the couch day after day, when the sun is shining and your heart really wants to ride, but your brain really needs to rest. It’s heartbreaking to lose friends because they “no longer know how to relate to you”. It’s tough being teased and mocked when your damaged brain fails you.

They say you shouldn’t tell anyone what your wish is when blowing out candles, because if you do, it won’t come true.  So, I won’t tell you what I’m wishing for, but I bet if you think about it for a second, you’ll be able to figure it out.